The Redtape Letters - Chapter 1

The Redtape Letters - Chapter 1

Compassion

[Editor's note: The Redtape Letters represent correspondence between an old Liberal Lion named Redtape, and his step-nephew once removed named Screwball. Uncle Redtape has decided to take his young step-nephew under his wing and offer helpful advice for being a great liberal and successful candidate.]


To my dear step-nephew once removed, Young Screwball,

It thrills my heart to see that you have thrown your hat into the ring! It will be a great joy if we see a member of our family get elected to Congress. What a high calling it is! I mean, where else can one be paid tens of thousands of dollars to talk to fawning reporters, kiss babies, and vote on bills that one hasn't read?

However, I feel it necessary to give you some instruction regarding the nature of True Liberalism. If you are to be a great liberal in Congress, there are a few things you must keep in mind. Today's letter will focus on the topic of Compassion. It is importantto tell people over and over and over again that Liberals are compassionate, and that Republicans are not. What do I mean by "compassionate"? I mean that WE CARE. And how do we show that we care?

We take money from filthy rich uncompassionate Republicans and give it to the people that we really care about. (For when we say "We care", we really mean that "we care with people that adore us and agree with us".)

That is the beauty of politics. You can be caring without spending a red cent! All you have to do is shed a few tears in front of the camera and plead with "the American people" that you deeply care about others. In doing so, feel free to make up numbers. Say that the government needs money for the "billions of homeless" and the "gazillions of starving children". Say that if we just raised taxes on the top 1% by just a teeny weeny little bit, we could eradicate hunger in our nation. If anyone objects, simply make your voice quiver and say, "But don't you care about the children?"

Let me tell you a few things to avoid.

First of all, don't let your opponent talk about what you do PERSONALLY. I've heard it said that the vile Republican is quite generous with his own money. So don't let that come up, since you--as I well know--give naught but a single bag of raggedy clothes to Goodwill once a year. As far as we Liberals are concerned, the only kind of giving that counts is the giving that other people see. So give lots of taxpayer money to government programs for the world to see. If you do so, you will be in office a long time.

Second of all, don't talk about that awful relic of political days gone by called the "Constitution". Your opponent may raise some pesky question like "What is the Constitutional basis for this government program?" Don't answer it! Simply say, "My opponent is trying to dodge the issue, and that's because he just wants to see babies starve to death." Make your opponent choose between defending a principle and supplying needy people. Republicans often crumble when faced with this dilemma.

Third, do not EVER get into a discussion of whether such programs have worked in the past. Again, your pathetic opponent may say something like, "Why should we throw money at another government program when all the other ones have already failed?" The answer to this question is: "As you can tell, my opponent simply doesn't care!"

The great Liberal Principle is that we are to be judged by intentions, not by our actions. As long as we want people to be happy and wealthy, it really doesn't matter whether our programs are successful or not. What counts is that we care more than anyone else.

The holy grail of our pursuits, of course, is to develop a system whereby more than half the population is dependent upon a government handout to survive. If we can pull that off, then we will be a party that is perpetually in power. If we can take money from 10% of the people and distribute it to the poorest 55-60%, then why would a majority ever want to vote us out?

But I ramble. I have so much to share with you, my dear Screwball. I will write more in the coming months.

Your affectionate step-uncle once removed,

Redtape