The Redtape Letters - Chapter 3

The Redtape Letters - Chapter 3

Health Care

To my dear Screwball-

I regret to hear that you once again stumbled on the campaign trail.  You were out there talking about how health care is "a fundamental right for all Americans".  Then someone asked you a fairly simple question: "Where do you find this right in the constitution?"  And, as is your tendency when you encounter the unexpected, you utterly embarrassed yourself.  You turned red, mumbled a few unintelligible words, turned to your hapless aide, and pretended that you never heard the question.  The American people may be fools, but that means they are fairly adept at identifying fools as well.  You were exposed as a fool, my pathetic step-nephew; you must not let that happen again.

(As a side note, if your aide is as clueless as you are, you should probably fire him.  If he is a relative, I may be able to find a job for him in the Department of Health and Human Services.)

At any rate, let me tell you this up front--we all know that health care is not a "right" in the sense that our dreadful Republican adversaries like to discuss.  It is not something inherent to our existence; it is not something, as Miriam-Webster would put it, "that one may properly claim as due".  We never want to discuss rights in this sense.  That is because, if there truly are "rights" in this sense, they must be granted to us by Someone that is greater than us--by a "Creator", if you will.  And if there is someone greater than us, we sure don't want to talk about it.  We shall define our own existence; this notion of "God" simply puts a damper on our passions.

And anyway, we know intuitively that health care is not a "right".  Imagine, my dear Screwball, this horrific scenario: the entire world was struck with a series of nuclear bombs, and you and I alone survived.  Well, let's say that our health was fine and we began our lives together, alone on the planet.  You started gardening, and I started hunting.  Then let's say that you fell asleep in the garden one day and partially impaled yourself on a garden rake.  Let's say that you started bleeding and asked for help.  I, of course, would decline to help.  After all, it was by your own stupidity and negligence that you were hurt, and I can't stand the sight of blood.  Then let's say, for sake of argument, that you declared, "But health care is my fundamental right!"

If you did that, my boy, I would laugh in your face.  Your own idiocy would not compel me to provide health care to you.

What I am saying is this: When we declare that health care is a "right", we simply mean that it is the right thing to do.  Why is it the right thing to do?  That, my bumbling nephew, will be a topic for the next letter.

Your affectionate step-uncle once removed,

Redtape