The Redtape Letters - Chapter 5

The Redtape Letters - Chapter 5

Global Warming

My dearest step-nephew once removed Screwball,

I apolog-gize ahead of t-time if I s-s-stutter a b-b-bit.  I j-j-just got b-back from MMMiami, wh-wh-where I was planning on a little itty bitty escape from the c-c-cold weather h-h-here in the n-n-northeast.  My step-cousin-in-law, a miserable little whelp whom I must visit from time to time to keep the family peace, figured that it would be fun to camp outside.  As it turned out, I nearly froze myself into an early grave as this supposedly tropical city dipped down to nearly 40 degrees.  It was the most miserable night of my earthly existence, and it took me the whole wretched plane-ride back to thaw out.  Do you know those lovely full-body scanners that we Liberals love so much, since we firmly believe that everybody's business is our business?  Well, I decided to forego the scanner in favor of a pat-down search.  I thought that getting hugged by a TSA agent might warm me up a bit.  But the agent that was assigned to me was cold as ice, just like m-m-miserable Mmmmmiami.  I swear, the whole bunch of those airport security people need a personality transplant.  We'll need to see if Obama-care would cover such essential surgery for some government employees.

In any event, I wanted to shift to the topic of global warming.  You see, global warming is the most delicious theory for Liberals that we have encountered in decades.  Why, you ask?  Since your brain is so small but mine is so large, let me explain.

First of all, it is wonderful because it spreads a feeling of widespread fear in the public.  It's great--just tell the people that sea level will rise a few feet, and everyone living within 100' of sea level will panic and ask for help.  And who is the only entity big enough to help them?  Why, it is Big Government!  It is US, my boy!  It is an axiom of secular liberalism--the more people live in fear, the more they will turn to the Government for help.  And we Liberals are the party of Government.

Secondly, global warming is beautiful because it gives the people something to worship.  As we've noted in prior letters, we frown on the whole notion of a Deity that requires anything of us (especially moral behavior).  However, we also recognize that people have an inherent desire to worship something.  Haven't you ever wondered why tens of thousands of people spend millions of dollars each year to watch their "idols" play professional sports?  No, of course you haven't wondered that--to "wonder" requires an active brain, and yours has been quite inert for many years.  But I digress.

You see, the whole concept of global warming encourages people to worship "Mother Earth", our dearly beloved yet beleaguered planet who is being raped and pillaged by the Republican purveyors of technology.  Isn't that great?  People can now worship an entity that fulfills their desire for religion while simultaneously supporting our Liberal desire for greater Governmental power.  I'd always privately thought that Al Gore was a bloated buffoon, but he's really stumbled into a winner.

I must say, I truly enjoy watching people worship mother earth.  Just last week, I saw a grocery store that planted a garden on their roof--yes, my boy, a garden!  Well, that struck me as quite hilarious, since I've never known rooftops to be particularly fertile.  When I inquired about the reason, the proprietor declared that it was a "green" store that was doing its part to reduce global emissions of carbon dioxide.  Oh yes, I thought, a rooftop garden is going to keep the sea levels from rising!  What a great joke!  I mean, you might as well tell a NASCAR driver to eat baked beans prior to racing, under the theory that his resultant flatulence will help propel the car to victory.  

But then I realized that this mindset, in our enlightened Liberal hands, can be of great assistance to us.  While we keep people busy planting rooftop gardens and buying overpriced hybrid vehicles, we gently lull them into thinking that only by heeding the dictates of Government is their any hope for the future.  Always remember--Liberals thrive when people depend on us.

My next letter shall focus on explaining why global warming is our ticket to exercising control over every aspect of individuals' lives.

Your affectionate step-uncle, 

Redtape

PS - I'm sorry for using the word "proprietor".  I know that is more syllables than you are used to experiencing.