The Redtape Letters - Chapter 4

The Redtape Letters - Chapter 4

Health Care, Part 2

My dear Screwball,

I apologize for the delay in writing.  You see, my life has taken a most unfortunate turn in recent weeks.  Do you remember your dear aunt Bertha--the one that was carrying on the ridiculous internet romance with a Canadian goofball named Guy?  Well, just last April, Bertha took the plunge, traveled to Saint John, and married the fellow.  Little did she know that her Canadian sweetheart had a chronic problem of body odor.  (Those sorts of problems are easily masked by the internet, you know.)  She fainted when she reached the altar during the wedding ceremony. Everyone thought it was because she was so smitten with joy; in fact, she was suffocated by his odoriferous emanations.  Not even a full bottle of Axe had been able to cover it up.

At any rate, Guy (or, as the Canadians are fond of pronouncing it, "Gee") recently came to spend some time at our house.  His doctors in Canada had deemed his problem purely "cosmetic" in its nature, and so the national health plan refused to cover the cost of his treatment.  So he came to America to be treated.  Screwball, I thus became the most unfortunately man on the planet!  The man is a human taser.  If you come within 20 feet of him, you will find yourself completely incapacitated by his foul fragrance.  He stayed with us for several weeks, and it took several more weeks to fumigate our household after he left.

But I digress.  

At the end of my previous letter, I said that health care is a right in the sense that "it is the right thing to do".  Now please don't misunderstand me.  I don't mean to suggest that providing health care is objectively "right".  To acknowledge such things as "right" and "wrong" is to go down the slippery slope of acknowledging a Supreme Being, and we must avoid that at all costs.  After all, if such a being were real, He would certainly put a damper on our profligate lifestyles.  No, my dear Screwball, there are no absolutes in this world--of that I am certain.  

When I say that it is the "right thing to do", I mean to say that it is good for our own self-interests.  For you see, once we make health care a right, we obligate the Government to provide it.  And once Government gets in the business of providing health care, we can extend our power without limit.  We shall achieve paradise on earth by extending the arms of Government regulation to places heretofore untouched.

Take, for example, that horrific dining establishment down the road--I believe it's called "The Deep-Fried Greaseball".  It's the place where all those wretched Republicans like to grab a burger and fries after a day at the Capital.  I hate that place for two reasons--first, it is greatly profitable; and second, people have fun there.  Those are two signs of success, and if there is one thing we Liberals hate, it is success.  (That is to say, we detest success achieved independent of the benevolent arm of Big Government.)

Well, once we are in the health care business, it will be a small matter to tax that grease pit into oblivion.  Think of the health costs that are imposed by that accursed establishment as it fills its customers arteries with death-inducing cholesterol!  It will be a small matter to impose a grease tax and siphon off the restaurants profits and place them where they belong--in the Government's coffers.

Also consider another social phenomenon that I abhor--sports.  Sports are loathsome because, by their very nature, they create winners and losers.  This is very detrimental to the tender psyche of young children.  This is not to suggest that we are all winners; your very being refutes that ridiculous concept.  However, it is to suggest that most people are losers and should not be propped up by the notion that they might have won a game.

But get this--sports cause a lot of injuries.  And that is our ticket to regulating them!  Since Government will have to pick up the tab for the injuries, Government will have the right to regulate the conduct of the activities themselves.  Think of the reduction in health care costs that could be achieved simply by requiring the NFL to play two-hand touch!

The bottom line, O Screwball, is that we Liberals want to exercise control over every dimension of our subjects' lives.  Health care enables us to do that.  And so does Global Warming, which we shall discuss in our next letter.

In the meantime, dream a little.  No person is too remote for the benevolent hand of Government to reach.

Your affectionate step-uncle once removed,

Redtape